Arsenal To Play In Junior Cup?

Hugh MacDonald, sports writer with Glasgow based newspaper The Herald wrote a tongue-in-cheek piece about Junior football in his Saturday column (12-09-09). While the article did pander to the stereotypical blood and guts image some people have of Junior football surely nobody would take offence. Well it seems some fans have done just that and have been in touch with The Herald to defend the Junior game's honour. Are they right in doing so or are they being just a bit over sensitive. Judge for yourself ...

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Hugh MacDonald on Saturday – will Arsenal play in the new Emirates Junior Cup?
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Published on 12 Sep 2009

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First, an exclusive.

Arsenal will not play in this year’s Scottish Junior Cup. There had been speculation that the London club would take part as the venerable trophy is now the Emirates Junior Cup. Club and cup thus share a sponsor.
But Arsenal have baulked at joining the tournament, citing fixture overload and primal fear. 
“I know we are called the Gunners,” said Arsene Winder, the club coach, “but we need to be called the 
Anti-Ballistic Missiles before we enter that theatre of conflict, 
I mean, competition.”
As his chairman, Julian Patton, slapped him on the face and told him to be a man, Mr Winder continued: “Would you like to go to Dunipace on a cold night in Tuesday?” Having been informed that no-one would like to go to Dunipace even on sunny days when the money fairy was handing out £20 notes, Mr Winder continued: 
“I came up on a reconnaissance, sorry, scouting mission and watched a Junior match. The teams were very attacking. In fact, I would say they were completely offensive, as were their fans.”
Mr Winder added: “I did not know the F word could be used as a noun, a verb, an adjective, a term of abuse, a term of endearment, as a greeting, as a farewell, and as a snack to be consumed at half-time.”
Mr Winder would not reveal the teams he watched. For legal reasons. But he admitted he has seen DVDs of Junior football. Or snuff movies as they are otherwise known. “Yes,” he said. “I have looked at Kirkintilloch Red Raw, Dundee Violent, Cambuslang Stranglers, Auchinleck Pallbearers, Irvine Madmen and Lochee Harpoonists.
“They have an unusual form of football. As if the ball only is witnessed in an existential sense, as if the game exists as an allegory to life, in that the struggle is all that matters and the result is preordained and unavoidable. That or they are just dirty sods.”
Mr Winder, warming to his theme, said: “In French we say that teams do a good game. These players give the game a good doing.”
Arsenal have been known for using lesser competitions to give youngsters an opportunity but the coach said: “Yes, we do like to blood youngsters, but not literally.”
The youth teams were forced to watch a series of Junior cup ties. One Brazilian youngster, Chic (believed to be named after Charnley of that ilk) was moved by what he saw. He left the room.
“Yes, it was, how you say, an experience for me. But I cannot say that it was a good one. In the favelas we played tough, but this was an affront to all that is good about football This was, how you say, a plook on the face on the beautiful game. If this was football on sand, it would have to be played on Omaha beach in 1944.”
He also revealed that Winder had called for volunteers to play in the tournament. “There was the silence,” he said, though he added it was interrupted by the odd sob. “But Mr Winder has a great integrity. He told the chairman that we were not cowards, just conscientious objectors. And, believe me, I am very conscientious about not playing with these madmen.”
A spokesman for the Junior clubs would not comment officially. But an insider, speaking from Barlinnie where he is serving a sentence for an over-zealous tackle, said: “It is a shame. We were looking for new blood. In fact, we were just looking for blood. But new blood would have been nicer.”
Winder, though, believed his opponents would have been looking for legs, ankles and “how you say, the very upper groin”.
A film buff (he watches movies nude) Mr Winder said: “If Junior football, she was a motion picture, it would be Brigadoon mixed with the Talbot Chainsaw Massacre. The script would be minimalist but the soundtrack would resonate to the hum of snapping tendons. But only such a prospect can exist in the diseased imagination, say that of an Ayrshire centre-half.”
Arsenal have been roughed up in recent seasons by the likes of Hull City and Stoke but Winder said: “This is another level entirely. This is like going from a playground scuffle to a cage match where the referee he is a ravenous lion.”
Fergie, meanwhile, has told Junior clubs to come and have a go if they think they are hard enough.

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